My Life & Family

So I sit here in my call center at work completely at aw with how things are run in a medical clinic. Is stupid and if you don’t kiss the right asses nothing will happen for you. I’ve been at this job for 6 weeks now. it’s all about being friends with certain people and not standing out. If your not good with a friends group. Your out.

I think it might finally be time to go to a Doctor and get the help I need. I’m to that point I’ve been here before. I’ve been to this point. But this isn’t my darkest place I’ve been.

When all you can think of is negative thoughts. What do you do. I sit here after I’ve done all my chores for the morning and just wonder.

I don’t know what to do to help myself. I feel completely and utterly helpless,exhausted and overwhelmed. Who if anyone do I talk to I just want to feel better and not like this anymore. I’ve felt like this on and off for years since I was a kid. I’ve known this feeling for so many years. I can start to feel myself falling and I don’t know how to make it stop. I still do my everyday stuff I need to do then I just go numb to everything and everyone. I know I get depressed but it’s different when I get this down. I just wonder can my family live this life without me. Then I feel I’m being selfish if I did anything about it. I love my kids and my husband. They keep me going. But when I’m this deep in my depression it’s hard to crawl out of this deep dark hole I feel my body and soul is laying in. I want to crawl out but it’s so hard to even make the effort.

People say we’ll I don’t have that luxury of being depressed. No one who’s been depressed would ever say that. It’s not a god damn luxury to feel this way. It’s a horrible, terrible, awful feeling. Its the worst feeling in the world to feel like this. It sucks that people say well what do you have to be depressed about. You have the perfect life. It doesn’t matter how perfect you think it is. I can’t help how I feel.

I need to turn my thoughts off I was up until 1:30 last night just feeling this way. Then when I lay in bed just thinking I cry. Does my husband notice No Way! Why because he’s been snoring since 10pm. I just want to feel and not be numb but I want to feel happy.

I have a mask I wear you see me smiling and laughing. It’s a mask. Yes I love being around people but also I hate it at the same time. It doesn’t help my feelings. Why can’t I just feel better. I’m going to be calling a Doctor and hopefully get on some medication. It’s been years but last time I took something it did help. I know there’s no easy fix. I just hope and pray I can feel better. I don’t like feeling like this anymore. Please help me help myself.

I pray that I get out of this deep dark hole and I start to feel better.

I had an amazing dog and her name was London. We had her for only 4 short years but she was an amazing dog. She was a beautiful black lab. She was brought home for my youngest daughter but she ended up becoming my dog.

I am far from a dog person. I love and absolutely adore kitties. But London she was different. I work for my husband and we also live in the country. London made me feel safe being at home by myself. London was the sweetest doggie in the whole world. I wasn’t and will never be a dog person. I was a London person. She was my everything.

I miss London every second of everyday. she was my baby my companion. I loved her so much. I sure hope she knows in heaven that I loved her so much and that I miss her. I hope she’s watching down on me and realizes she’s a special dog. She will always have a special place in my heart for her and that will never go away.

On June 19,2022 London was a 15 year old dog. My husband and I had just the day before celebrated our 18th wedding anniversary. London didn’t feel good on Saturday. But she did get up once and go outside to go potty. On Sunday the 19th she did get up to even eat or drink. I had a feeling in the pit of my stomach something was wrong. We just loved on her and hugged and kissed her all day. We made sure she knew she was loved. I called my sister and told her what was going on and she told me we need to take her to the vet. We did. When we got there my husband had to pick her up and bring her inside. London couldn’t even move her head up. 🥺

The vet came in and took London to do X-rays and bloodwork. They came back not long after and told us she has cancer in her breast both chains. We should put her down there wasn’t much they could do for her. It had spread. We sat in the emergency vets room for 2 hours hanging out with London and telling her that we loved her. The vet came in and put her down we cried for another cried or two and finally came home. We weren’t ready to say goodbye to her. That’s the day my heart became hers. I cried randomly especially when I miss her. Ir still happens a lot.

London Bridges I love You!! You have my heart ❤️ forever puppy dog.

My daily routine as a stay at home mom/housewife in 2023.

I wake up @ 6:30 and wake my 2 teenage daughters up. Once the girls are awake I go downstairs and fed my cat Daisy. At 6:45-7 my husband leaves for work. Then I check to see if I need to start the dishwasher. It’s portable so I have to hook it up to the sink and turn the water on so I don’t do that before bed. I usually load it and then it’s ready for the morning. So I start the dishwasher. Then I check on my kids again to make sure they’re up and dressed. The youngest has to be up and dressed by 7. The bus picks her up by 7:15 at the latest. My oldest drives herself to school. She usually goes out and starts her car at 7:30 it’s winter so she has to make sure it is warm before she goes anywhere. I check the bathroom pick up and bring whatever clothes are in the hamper down to the washer to start a load of laundry. Then once the laundry is started the dishwasher is usually done. I unhook the dishwasher. The I sweep and mop the laundry area and kitchen. Then I go into the living room & dining room then vacuum both rooms. I then go back upstairs vacuum the hallway and the washer bedroom. By the time it’s 8 am. I have done all my cleaning for the day and sit down I rest for awhile then I figure out which room/organize that day. Usually it doesn’t take me long because for the most part my house is clean and organize so I don’t do this everyday. I check my calendar and see if I have anything I need to go out to do for the day. If not then I relax. Usually at some point during the day my husband calls and we talk. I tell him how my day is going and he tells me what he’s been up to. If I need to do any of his paperwork or not. Since it’s winter there isn’t a lot. His paperwork picks up in the spring and the season is in full swing. So usually my oldest daughter only has to be at school half days. So she comes home and she helps me with paperwork for my husband/mine business. She also does homework if need be. She gets home by 12:30 everyday. So usually I’m more then half way through my day by the time she gets home. I show her the paperwork I need help with and she helps for about a hour or 2 in our office. Then she goes up to her room and does homework. By 4:15 my youngest daughter gets home off the bus. I start dinner by 4:30 so we can eat by 5-5:30. I then start loading the dishwasher so it’s ready to go the next morning. I ask the kids if the have homework. 99.99% of the time they don’t they do it before 6. My youngest takes a shower before 6:30. She lays down around 9. My oldest usually is in bed by 10. Around 7-8 my husband gets home takes a shower and lays down around 9pm. I usually finally get laid down around 10-11. After I wipe everything down downstairs. I have a pretty easy day when I stick to my routine. Some days I have a headache or migraine. Some days I just don’t feel good. Either of these times. I still pick up do dishes and laundry to keep up with everything. BI never take a day off. I always wake up at 6:30 even on the weekend.

That’s my day. Thank you for reading.

When you hearing the C word!!!

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton

My daughter was only 2 and I heard that word. She has CANCER! My mind went blank and I went numb. I don’t remember that day other then being told she has Cancer and we had to wait 2 days. That’s right 2 days to find out what kindof cancer she has.

She ended up having ALL T-Cell Leukemia! This was 9 and a half years ago. I am so grateful for the doctors & all the nurses and the hours they put into making my daughter healthier. They did it. After 29 days of intense chemotherapy! We were told that my baby girl was in remission. But it’s not the same kindof remission as other cancers. Oh no we weren’t that lucky. Where ever the blood flows is where the cancer is with Leukemia. She went through 2 years 8 months of chemotherapy. The hospital was our lives for the first year. Then the chemotherapy wasn’t half as intense as the first year.

My baby girl 12 years later is perfectly healthy! Thank God!! 1 more year and she will be considered Cancer Free as of July 2nd! That’s Caitlin’s remission date. July is her month. The 31st is her birthday!

Sometimes it doesn’t feel like it’s been that long. I can look at her and remember everything I sacrificed to be with her to take care of her,to be her Mom and do what needed to be done to make sure she was okay. She is now 15 years old and a huge pain in the ass but thank god she’s still here. She’s my miracle.