Life

When all you can think of is negative thoughts. What do you do. I sit here after I’ve done all my chores for the morning and just wonder.

I don’t know what to do to help myself. I feel completely and utterly helpless,exhausted and overwhelmed. Who if anyone do I talk to I just want to feel better and not like this anymore. I’ve felt like this on and off for years since I was a kid. I’ve known this feeling for so many years. I can start to feel myself falling and I don’t know how to make it stop. I still do my everyday stuff I need to do then I just go numb to everything and everyone. I know I get depressed but it’s different when I get this down. I just wonder can my family live this life without me. Then I feel I’m being selfish if I did anything about it. I love my kids and my husband. They keep me going. But when I’m this deep in my depression it’s hard to crawl out of this deep dark hole I feel my body and soul is laying in. I want to crawl out but it’s so hard to even make the effort.

People say we’ll I don’t have that luxury of being depressed. No one who’s been depressed would ever say that. It’s not a god damn luxury to feel this way. It’s a horrible, terrible, awful feeling. Its the worst feeling in the world to feel like this. It sucks that people say well what do you have to be depressed about. You have the perfect life. It doesn’t matter how perfect you think it is. I can’t help how I feel.

I need to turn my thoughts off I was up until 1:30 last night just feeling this way. Then when I lay in bed just thinking I cry. Does my husband notice No Way! Why because he’s been snoring since 10pm. I just want to feel and not be numb but I want to feel happy.

I have a mask I wear you see me smiling and laughing. It’s a mask. Yes I love being around people but also I hate it at the same time. It doesn’t help my feelings. Why can’t I just feel better. I’m going to be calling a Doctor and hopefully get on some medication. It’s been years but last time I took something it did help. I know there’s no easy fix. I just hope and pray I can feel better. I don’t like feeling like this anymore. Please help me help myself.

I pray that I get out of this deep dark hole and I start to feel better.